speak of? >> it happens during award season, oscars or grammys, celebrities go and get gifts and move on. for the first time it happened for d.c. they are giving away money to the creative coalition. there was a big scandal around it saying should this happen or not happen. to your earlier point, what goes on, people that unlikely wouldn't get together get together. a lot of politicians i talked to were -- sophia vergara, shocking. >> for folks just tuning in, this is our special coverage of the white house correspondents' dinner, we are waiting for president obama to dress a group of media and pundits. should be a fun any time. the president usually speaks about 15 minutes or so. when that happens, we will of course bring it to you live. let's talk -- there's ork michelle obama. that head table is comprised the

folks that sit on the board of the white house correspondents' association, along with the president and first lady. we should know note this is the largest chunk of time ed henry ever had on msnbc. he runs the white house correspondents association and supposed to give a toast but doing more than toasting -- >> it's a filibuster at this point. >> i think that's what we're watching. >> i think you'll see jokes about the filibuster. it might go on where president obama does an imitation of the filibuster or conan does. i think with the seating, they should force democrats and republicans to sit together or have random sitting. don't let them sit with friends and make them sit and talk and laugh together. maybe it will help. we all in america want them to work together. >> preach. >> i've said this before, very few things that generally bring all of us together. you've got sports, you've got music. you've got alcohol to a certain

extent for some people. then you have events like this to get together and we can all put politics aside and laugh. >> yes. >> hopefully. let's talk about the after parties. who's doing what? >> the big ticket is the vanity fair party. that is a hot, hot ticket. >> i've been to that party. >> excuse any. >> it's not that good. >> is it? >> i'm just saying. >> there's also the capital file party -- i i don't think i've been to the vanity fair. msn we're having a party. >> msnbc party is always a good time. i'm not just saying that because -- >> it's gopt the reputation. >> there's also private parties. people do private parties in mansions and a lot of celebrities don't want to go to these, they are partied out. >> it's not just tonight. we've been talking tonight about

what this has become. this thing starts on friday night for a lot of people and the flight down. i'm seeing people on the plane who only come to washington, d.c. one time a year. >> twice, inaugustation and then maybe this. >> and depends on who is being inaugurated as well. >> this year there might be a little iffatigue because we jus had inauguration not that long ago. tonight, buzz feed is having their party during the dinner because they couldn't get a party space at the actual hotel. you have these kind of organizations going rogue as well. >> had there been instances in the past where people have left this thing and really been upset, annoyed, offended? >> yes, there clearly has been. i think the most famous is stephen colbert, 2006 when he did jokes in his character about president bush to president bush's face and showed a clip earlier which were truly cutting.

not the soft playful jokes, much harsher, making fun of not just poll numbers but use of fophoto ops all over the place and wanda sikz, who is phenomenal, offended a lot of people with her jokes about rush limbaugh and the 20th hijacker and things like that. she went over the line. as a comedian i think it was great. in that structure there, a lot of the audience is supporting with the bush audience supporting him and taken aback. if you have time, watch it on youtube, it's hilarious. >> i was there. you feel a little uncomfortable. while you were talking, there was just an announcement made for the first time in the history of the white house correspondents dinner, conan o'brien decided to donate his compensation package for the night. decided to donate that to the scholarship fund, first time

it's happened since $10,000 and he decided he was going to give that money to the correspondents association. >> can i donate my fee. >> and i'll donate mine. >> $10,000. hopefully that sets a trend for moving forward. ed henry, expected to make a toast here. he may be the outgoing president, i don't know but clearly he is enjoying his time there at the podium. he will be giving a toast and introducing the president. this is the hilton ball room in washington, d.c. where the nerd prom is under way. any idea how that came about? >> it was because it was the highest rated show on cspan and because it was so popular on cspan, who is watching cspan. >> folks at cspan are e-mailing you. >> i love cspan but i think

that's how it started. >> before barbra streisand came in 1993 it doesn't have the celebrity factor. >> they just introduced michelle obama and gayle king as well. let's listen in. >> house of cards, kevin spacecy, i love you in net flicks. conan o'brien going to be funny? >> does the president have a sense of humor? yes yes yes. the real reason we're here, i don't care if your first year or 20 plus, this event never gets old because we are colleagues but we're also competitors there are a lot of people waiting in the wings who want to take our jobs. before the evening started, i went back stage to talk to them and i'd like without further ado to introduce you to the real v.i.p.s with howard university,

carissa baxton, admires bill o'reilly and the person she wants to meet though is candy crowley. char main kruchfield come on out. and highlight is getting a picture with the first lady and president of the united states. charmain, rachel maddow is who she admires because she likes rachel's point on politics. admiring you -- telling me that, anna, she's so beautiful and looks so good. i said anna winter always looks good. come on out. ashley joplin told me she loves anybody from vice because she loves documentaries.

vince dixon loves anything local news and those of us know local news. that's a good choice. >> people can't see you, she's so small. >> make sure you can see ashlee. -- he loves everything that you do. and omar knows margaret brennan too. university of missouri, from columbia, missouri. a big fan of maria bartiromo. yan liu loves all things 60 minutes, hello to you jeff hager. at our table is psy sitting next to charlie rose. we asked him what he really wants in this country? he wants a profile on "60 minutes", you're sitting next to charlie rose, he knows people,

i'll bet that can happen. gina cook, losves you conan o'brien. an she do loves all things cnn, special shutout to jeff zucker. kip hill, says his favorite anchor person is jeff daniels from newsroom. he does news the way it should be done. okay, kip hill. steven rich loves you jon stewart. come on out, steven. alexandria had the best answer i thought, because i asked everybody, who do you admire and what shows do you watch -- >> this is gayle king of cbs, giving some introductions there. she's presenting the scholarships to the recipients there and also talking a little

bit about who these recipients admire most in the world of journalism. some make sense or some are pretty funny as well. it's good to see the college students have a good sense of humor. gayle king flanged by first lady michelle obama and ed henry, after all of this, he'll give the toast and president obama will come up and do his thing as well and conan o'brien and everyone will head to the after parties. >> as a comedian, the later this goes, the less energy the audience has once you go on. i performed at dinners many times, not this dinner but i'm available next year. the dinner starts 7:30, 8:00 and conan has the position to follow the president of the united states at 10:30 to quarter of 11. i'll be honest.

i don't care how famous people are, after the first few minutes, you'll hear it in the laughter. the audience starts to drift a little bit and it's up to conan to keep their attention. raising their energy level. hopefully video like other comedians used in the past or images to show, if he gets on at quarter to 11, ten to 11:00, it's an audience, not a 10-year-old kids, they are tired, it's 10:00 on a weekend. you're tired. >> you sound very personal there. >> dinner last night ran late. >> next saturday i'm in california performing at a dinner. it's part of the career to perform for community organizations or corporations. >> what about this part of it? a lot of folks drinking for hours now. won't the president and perhaps

conan appear funnier the longer they sit. >> there's a limit to th. >> i wish we had a graft like chris hayes would make. there's a point where you drink too much and start getting sleepy. you're not going to have hecklers, as a comedian in new york, there's a point, you're like this is going to be rough. if you had a heckler, that would make national news. everyone is professional. >> let's listen in, this appears to be the beginnings of a soest. after that we'll hear from the president. let's listen in to the toast a bit. cheers

and without further ado, i'd like to introduce the president of the united states. [ applause ] ♪ >> thank you. thank you, everyone. how do you like my new entrance music? rush limbaugh warned you about this, second term, baby. we're changing things around here a little bit. actually my advisers were a little worried about the new rap

entrance music. they are a little more traditional. they suggested that i should start with jokes at my own expense, just take myself down a peg. i was like, guys after four and a half years, how many pegs are there left? i want to thank the white house correspondents, ed, you're doing an outstanding job -- [ applause ] >> we are grateful for the great work you've done and to all the dignitaries who are here, everybody on the -- i want to say thanks to ray who does outstanding service and all of our men and women in uniform every single day. and of course, our extraordinary first lady, michelle obama.

[ applause ] >> everybody loves michelle. she's on the cover of "vogue" high poll numbers but don't worry, i got my own magazine cover. look, i get it. these days i look in the mirror and have to admit, i'm not the strapping young muslim socialist that i used to be. time passes and you get a little gray. and yet even after all of this time, i still make rookie

mistakes. like i'm out in california we're having a nice time and i happen to mention harris is the best looking attorney general in the country. as you might imagine, i got in trouble when i got back home. who new eric holder was so sensitive? then there's the easter egg roll. which is supposed to be a nice fun event with the kids. i go out on the basketball court, took 22 shots, made two of them. that's right, two hits, 20 misses. the executives of nbc asked, what's your secret?

so yes, maybe i have lost a step. but some things are beyond my control, for example, this whole controversy about jay-z going to cuba. it's unbelievable. i've got 99 problems and now ya jay-z is one of them. that's another rap reference, bill. of course everybody has got plenty of advice, maur een dowd said i could solve more problems if i were like michael douglas in "american president." michael, was your secret man? could it be you were an actor in

an aaron sorkin liberal fantasy? might that have something to do with it? i don't know. check in with me and maybe it's something else. anyway. i recognize that this job can take a toll on you. i understand second term, you need a burst of new energy, try new things and my team and i talked about. we bore rer -- borrowed one of y she -- michelle's tricks. i thought this looked pretty good but no bounce.

anyway, i want to give a shout-out to our headliner, conan o'brien. i was talking to ed and i understand when the correspondents association was considering conan for this gig they were faced with the age old dilemma, do you offer it to him now or wait for five years and give it to jimmy fallon? that was a little harsh. i love conan. >> and of course the white house press corps is here. i know cnn has taken some knocks lately, the fact is i admire their commitment to cover all sides of the story, in case one of them happens to be accurate.

some of my former advisers have switched over to the dark side. for example, david axelrod now works for msnbc, which is a nice change of place since msnbc used to work for david axelrod. the history channel is not here. i guess they were embarrassed about the whole obama is a devil thi thing. of course, that never kept fox news from showing up. they actually thought the comparison was not fair to satan.

but the problem is that the media landscape is changing so rapidly. you can't keep up with it. i remember when buzz feed was something i did in college around 2:00 a.m. it's true. recently though i found a new favorite source for political news, these guys are great, everybody should check it out. it's called white house.gov. i cannot get enough of it. the fact is i really do respect the press. i recognize that the press and i have different jobs to do. my job is to be president, your job is to keep me humble.

i think i'm doing my job better frankly. but part of the problem is everybody is so cynical, we're constantly feeding cynicism, suspicion, conspiracies. you remember a few months ago my administration put out a photograph of me going skeet shooting at camp david? do you remember that? quite a number of people insisted that this had been photoshopped. but tonight i have something to confess, you were right, guys, can we show them the actual photo? we were just trying to tone it down a little bit. that was an awesome day.

there are other new players in the media landscape as well like super pacs, you know that sheldon addleson spent $1 million of his own money on negative ads. you've got to really dislike me to spend that kind of money. i mean, that's oprah money. you could buy an island and call it nobama for that kind of money. sheldon would have been better off offering me $100 million to drop out of the race. i probably wouldn't have taken

it but i'd have thought about it. michelle would have taken it. you think i'm joking. i know republicans are still sorting out what happened in 2012, but one thing they all agree on is they need to do a better job reaching out to minorities. and look, call me self-centered but i can think of one minority they could start with. hello. think of me as a trial run, you know. see how it goes. if they won't come to me, i will come to them.

recently iad dinner with a number of republican senators and i'll admit it wasn't easy. i proposed a toast and it died in committee. of course, even after i've done all of this, folks still don't think i spend enough time with congress. why don't you get a drink with mitch mcconnell they ask? really? why don't you get a drink with mitch mcconnell. i'm sorry, i get frustrated sometimes. i am not giving up. in fact, i'm taking my charm offensive on the road.

a texas barbecue, kentucky blue grass concert with rand paul and book burning with michele bachmann. my charm offensive has helped me learn some interesting things about what's going on in congress. it turns out absolutely nothing. but the point of my charm offensive is simple, we need to make progress on important issues. take the sequester. the republicans fell in love with this thing and now they can't stop talking about how much they hate it. like we're trapped in a taylor swift album.

one senator who has reached across the aisle recently is marco rubio, but i don't know about 2016, i mean the guy has not even finished a single term in the senate and he thinks he's ready to be president. kids these days. i on other hand run my last campaign. on thursday, as ed mentioned, i went to the opening of the bush presidential library in dallas. it was a wonderful event and that inspired me to get started on my own legacy, which will actually begin by building another edifice next to the bush library. can we show that, please?

i'm also hard at work on plans for the obama library and some have suggested we put it in my birth place, but i'd rather keep it in the united states. did anybody not see that joke coming? show of hands. only gallup? make dick morris? speaking of presidents and legacies, i want to acknowledge a wonderful friend steven spielberg and daniel day-lewis who are here tonight. we had a screening of their most recent film "lincoln" which was extraordinary. i am a little nervous about

steven's next project. i saw behind the scenes look on hbo -- well, let's check it out. roll the tape. >> i was thrilled lincoln was a success as i was thinking about what to do next, the middle of the night i woke up and it hit me, obama. i mean, the guy is already a lame duck, why wait. picking the right actor to play obama, that was a challenge. who is obama? we never got his transcripts and they say he's kind of aloof. we needed someone to dive in and be barack obama. as it turns out the answer was right in front of me all along, daniel day-lewis, becomes the characters, hawkky from last of the mohicans and you know what, he nailed it. >> was it hard playing obama.

>> yeah, it accent took away. >> hello ohio. >> look, let me be clear about this -- >> you wouldn't believe how long it takes to put these ears on. once we had daniel to play obama, we had to cast of rest of his team and i think we have terrific performances. >> working with daniel is intimidating, he makes everyone better. without him i never could have played joe biden, literally. >> the hardest part, trying to understand the motivations, why didn't he pursue health care first? what makes him tick? why doesn't he get mad. if i were him i would be mad all the --

>> all right, we're having some technical problems from our feed there enside the ball room at the washington hilton. we were watching this pretty funny video that the president put together. just saw tracy morgan and steven spielberg. we've got technical problems from our feed. we should have this thing back up for you in a few moments. but so far, so funny. do we have you up there? still standing by for us. >> where can i go? i'm here to watch this. >> what do you make of this so far? >> a confident comedy set. he went after one critic after the other, to fox news and rap music and refrpsing the muslim

thing. it was barb after barb, he has redefined the way presidents do humor. right from the top with the rap music he came out with. you have a drink with mitch mcconnell. what a great know. he said his greatest priority is getting rid of obama. you guy attack me, it's my turn to have everyone laugh at you n now. >> he started with rush limbaugh warns you about this, second term, what did you make of it so far? >> tracy morgan adds joe biden is the greatest thing i've ever seen in my life. >> what is tracy morgan doing here. >> now we know. i love it. >> so far he had been spreading it out pretty well. he hit nbc, that wasn't enough so he hit msnbc.

cnn, fox, the history channel. so far so good. >> he came out with swagger, he came out to ray rap song? let me educate everybody, it is all i do is win, all i do is win win win no matter what. he came out saying, you know what, i did it again. he's got confidence. >> we want to apologize to viewers at home there's a problem with pt feed coming from the ball room at the washington hilton. we're working feverishly to say the least to get the thing back up and get it back to you. some familiar things, he worked the birther joke in then acknowledged it was a predictable joke. >> that's the mark of a true comic. >> he did that thing we talked about where he chuckles right after he says something that he knows is supposed to be funny, it's a cue as well for the

audience i take it. >> i think it is a little bit, but some of the joekkes, i admi his confidence and delivery. some of the jokes when they are really sharp and stinging and cutting, he doesn't laugh. he commits to it and it makes it funnier. even the ad libs a little bit more. the rap song then -- that's another rap reference, i'm looking at you bill, i don't know if he meant bill o'reilly or which bill, but it was a very funny moment? he's extending punch lines written for him by adding tag lines or continuing the joke further. once you have the audience going with you, you can add more jokes and make it funnier. >> one of the other obvious add libs when he was talking about the $100 million that sheldon addleson spent. i talked about taking the money and running but if you offer to michelle, she probably would have accepted. then he was like, you think i'm

joking. >> what a great joke. i'm hoping people know who he was, beyond the politics. to me that joke was the best and mitch mcconnell joke was great. they were cutting, funny and did everything i told you. letting us know what he doesn't like and chopping their legs out. great comedic talent. >> let's listen to the president from earlier, this is some of his address. >> we're having some problems -- one of the things that also struck me about this year's presentation, the use of slides and video. this has turned into quite the

production, bush library -- we have had the feed back. let's listen in. >> all of those folks who are counting on us, on behalf of this country that has given us so much. thank you all to the white house correspondents for the great work you do. god bless you all and god bless the united states of america. [ applause ] thank you, mr. president, without further ado, i'd like to introduce mr. conan o'brien. >> thank you, please remain

seated. that's not necessary. thank you very much. please, mr. president, don't stand, that wouldn't be right. good evening, thank you. mr. president, mrs. obama, distinguished members of the press and bon jovi. yes, it's an honor to share this stage with the president when you think about it the president and i are a lot a like. both went to harvard and both have two children and both told joe biden we didn't have extra tickets for tonight's event. we mrs. have something else in common like the president, i too recently got in hot water by talking about a public officials good looks. the stone cold fox secretary of transportation ray lahood. oh, man, i like the cut of his -- but president obama, you have great jokes, it was a pleasure watching you stand up and do what i do.

now it's fair i get to do what you do. that's right, ladies and gentlemen, for the next 15 minutes i'll be miredded in a tense dysfunctional standoff with congress. this is going to be fun. right away i'd like to formally congratulate the president on his re-election. >> as you know the president is hard at work creating jobs since he was first elected the number of popes has doubled. and number of tonight show hosts has tripled. congratulations. i'd like to congratulate george w. bush on the dedication of his presidential library. yes, the library has millions of books and articles and documents and if you go, you can be the first to read them.

you can't hurt me. now, ladies and gentlemen, let's get going, right here at the start i'll share something with you people and this doesn't leave this room. i say this with absolute confidence because we're on c-span? who doesn't love krf-span? entire channel shot with the backup camera on april ford explorer. congratulations to c-span for winning the bid to broadcast this event. thy narrowly beat out hg tv 2 and hilton hotel how to check out channel. that's right, the hilton, it's great to be here at the hilton. is it just me or time to stop using price line to book this event? i love the hilton, i love the hilton aets motto, sorry the radisson was booked. i was worried we would be forced to hold this event at the less

prestigious hotel than i was told, that's not possible. but i do want to thaching the hilton for accommodating us. they were able to reschedule a cash for gold seminar. for those here nor the cash for gold seminar, that's been moved to sal on b on the mez nine. if joe biden asks, there are no extra tickets for that either. quick announcements before we get going and continue, if any of you are live tweeting this event, please use the hash tag incapable of living in the moment. yes, yes. any u.s. senators if you would like to switch your dessert or position on gay marriage, please signal a waiter. by the way, speaking of dinner,

tonight ''s entries with hali but or fillet mignon or as john king reported it, kous kous. there's a gavel here and i don't know why. here's a fun fact about tonight's food. everything you ate this evening was personally shot by wayne lapierre. don't worry, it was during a home invasion though. the fish came in through the window. it wasn't pepper corn, that was buck shot, ladies and gentlemen. incidentally, wayne lapierre is the executive vice president of the nra, which begs the question, how freaking crazy do you have to be to the actual president of the nra?

he's not even at the top. i'd like to acknowledge earlier this evening there was confusion with the seating chart, for a moment someone accidentally shot governor chris christie with the republicans, that was awkward and i apologize. speaking of tables before dinner, i had a chance to mingle and told my account for al jazeera for $500 million. they'll buy anything. but it is an absolute joy to be here at the white house correspondents dinner. last year brokaw criticized this event for having too many superstars and a-list celebrities. when i said i'll be attending this year, he said, that's more like it. that shouldn't be funny to you. this is really a star-studded event. this year you've taken it to new

heights. new heights. because you've got some of the guys from duck dynasty here. the guys are here which can only mean one thing, the guys from storage wars said no. i love duck dynasty but i don't think your streisand whistle -- oh, my god, it works she's here. incredible. i always hated that one. hey, some of you know this is my second time speaking at this event. last here 18 years ago in 1995, a lot has changed since then. today you can get realtime information on world events spr something small enough to fit in your hand. back in 1995, we called that george stephanopoulos. i can't see if george is here because there's a crouton in the

way. it's amazing to think how much our countries has changed. if in 1995 you told me in 2013 we would have a african-american president with a middle name hussein just re-elected to a second term in a sluggish economy, i would have said, oh, he must have run against mitt romney. by the way, i do congratulate you on the victory, as a light night comedian, i was pulling for the rich guy whose horse danced in the olympics. demographics have been rapidly changing over the past two decades and i look forward to hosting this event 18 years from now. then my opening line will be,

[ speaking spanish ] but my prior experience has taught me how the dinners work. if the president laughs, everyone laughs. if the fox news table laughs a little girl just fell off her bike. how are you doing, bill? all the washington news media here, including the stars of online journalism, huffington post at the table, which has me wondering, if you're here, whose covering miley cyrus's latest slip and top 25 yogurt related tweets. seven mistakes you're making with bacon, that's a real one and you should be ashamed of yourselves.

by the way before dinner, i tried to say hi to arianna huffington but she made me watch a 30 second ad first. yes, a lot of online stars in the room but matt druj couldn't make it, he had a prior commitment to teach a web design class in 1997. of course, the washington media is joining us, print media are here for good reasons, food and shelter. you know -- how are you? some people say print media is dying, but i don't believe it. and neither does my blacksmith. you got to meet zach r, he's

great. the last print issue, "time" might be gloeting but they shouldn't because "time" will outlive "news week" the way juliette outlived romeo. read the play. things are so tough for old media that reuters is having its after party here at the hilton. nothing says we're having a great year than to do it at the same tame where you had dinner. they are asking everyone to leave a little wine at the bottom of their glass. to be fair, print media still has a big star in bob woodwood. got to give it up for woodward. a waiter asked him if he wanted

regular or decaf, he said stop, threatening me. also tonight, the big names in television news, when it comes to television news, we have a divided media landscape. fox news is watched by conservatives, msnbc, by liberals and cnn by the people who clean the offices at cnn. oh, it gets worse. cnn's ratings are so low now when a local comes up, james earl jones goes, you're watching cnn? what the hell? i have to say in the past two years they made odd moves, replaced larry king with one of the scheming footman from downtown abby, piers slides into

yours, you'll get yours lord grantham, chris matthews is here, the only show where the commercial exists just so they can wipe the spittle off the lens. by the way, during the boston coverage on msnbc, chuck todd stopped a pundit from speculating on unverified information but there's no joke here, i'm letting the people know at cnn know that you can do that. this is a learning experience. hello to fox news star bill o'reilly, two best sellers, killing kennedy and killing lincoln and a boat not nearly as possible, the peaceful death of taft. what were you thinking? the truth is bill o'reilly is working on the next book out this fall, this time it's about the killing of jesus. it will be the first time in

history jesus's death is blamed on obama care. two quick shoutouts to pbs and npr. pbs, yes, they love to party. if you get lucky, be safe, wear a tote bag. it works. you got to live npr, still the number one source for news delivered as if there's a toddler sleeping in the next room. the "today" show let got of ann curry, al roker tells the world he crapped his pants his white house and i'm getting fired? he's the reason they are no longer giving tours at the white house. they are still hosing it down.

brian, i'm a big fan of the show, rock center with brian williams. imagine him delivering the eveningews on a different floor of the building, a little later, with a slightly different tie. it's a mind blower, you have to check it out. as i look around the room and see the media, i realize this is one big high school cafeteria. that's all it is. fox is the jocks and msnbc is the in other words and bloggers are the gojs and npr is the table with kids with peanut allergies. al jazeera is the weird foreign exchange student nobody talks to and print media, you're the poor kid who died sophomore year in a

car crash. cheer up, we dedicate the year book to you. of course, probably the biggest people covered this year was the republican failure to recapture the white house. hard to believe the republicans didn't fare better in the election with the support of celebrities like ted nugent and meatloaf. i guess they overestimated the number of voters who still drive car p carpetted vans. but the republican party is on the mend. one rising star on the right is senator marco rubio, or as he's known in the republican party, our black guy. yeah. by the way, as of today, the u.s. senate has a record number of african-american senators, two, two. in other words, there are now more african-americans in the senate than in a mumford and

sons concert. thank you, younger people. paul ryan -- they don't understand. what is she babling about? who's this man? paul ryan recently really burst through when he ran for vice president after the ee lks, he said president obama was reee leked because the high turnout of urban voters then asked how he like his coffee, no milk, no sugar, just urban. there's rnc chairman reince priebus, you heard me correctly, his name is reince preeber us, sitting between lather priebus and repeat priebus.

house majority leading eric cantor is here, yet another jewish republican from the south. get sold. that reminds me also joining us a congressman from new york, steve israel. he's from new york and his name is israel. now, there's pandering and then there's pandering. that's like having a congressman from south carolina named jesus h. gun. my name is gun, jesus h gun. you've got to use this thing, it's fantastic. i mentioned republican governor chris christie and shaquille o'neal are sitting at the same dinner table. let's give it up for the real

unsung hero tonight, their waiter. he's going to lose an arm. i believe we have one or two supreme court justices here. they seem divided over same-sex marriage. conservatives oppose any love long sigh kred union between two men, unless it's anton scalia and clarence thomas. what the hell was that? no surprise that speaker john boehner is isn't here tonight. they are still struggling to get along. president obama and john boehner are like a blind date between anderson cooper and rachel mad dow, they understand each other's positions but deep down you know nothing is ever going

to happen. speaking of nothing happening, we're all hoping that nothing happens with north korea and that got me wondering, what is with kim jong-un. in the past we've had really scary enemies like saddam hussein and hitler. now our nemesis is a pouty teenage boy who dresses like rosie o'donnell at the emmys. kim jong-un doesn't understand that we aren't afraid of him. we already have an unstable peninsula that will ultimately bring down america, it's called florida. yes, it is. yes, president obama has a lot on his plate right now, but now at that very nice stage where there are no more secrets left

to come out about him. we know as a child he lived in indonesia and studied at the muslim seminary and occasionally ate dog. so clearly from the beginning he was a kid who had his eye set on the u.s. presidency. check, check and check. here i come. i know the relationship between the president and press can seem a bit strained. some in this room have accused the president being distant and aloof. when i asked the president about it earlier, he said oh, and then walked away. it's only natural that your re-election was less exciting than in 2008. in 2008 you celebrated in grant park. it was fascinating. this time around you split a char dog with david axelrod at

the winner's circle. i have a question and some of you also have this question, it's been several months since you were re-elected, i'm curious, why are you still sending everyone five e-mails a day asking for more money? you won. do you have a gambling problem we don't know about. did you put it all on gonzaga. you did, didn't you? he did! >> president obama has already made a lot of changes in his second term. recently appointed john kerry and chuck hagel. the only two people in the united states who look even more tired than you. it's a great strategy. mr. president, you're going to leave office as a very young man and the presidency has taken its toll. i don't want to alarm you but you're starting to look like a judge on law and order.

just say you're on thin ice, counselor. your hair is so white, it could be a member of your cabinet. he can handle it. speaking of cabinet, the president recently picked jack lew, if the president ever has to let him go, it's not lew, it's me. he's always the coolest guy in the room. that's what everyone says, he's the coolest guy in the room. here's my question, who else is in that room? it's not hard to be the cool one when the other guys in the road are biden and hagel and kerr i didn't. showing steven chu how to do the harlem shake. now i made jokes about the president this evening and looking forward to my audit.

. it's coming, i know, sir, it's coming. but i would like to take a moment and change gears and say something to the president regarding the events of the past two weeks. i grew up in boston, my parents still live there. and my brother luke raised his family in watertown. i would like to take this opportunity to thank you, mr. president for visiting the great city and helping its people to heal with your inspiring words. it made a huge difference. it's been said recently that you don't mess with boston. as someone who grew up there i would like to echo that sen. it's simple, if you pick on a city, don't choose with one where nine out of ten people are